Adriana MELNIC

9:14am: Wake up from pleasant dream. I had been dreaming that I ruled the better part of the galaxy, that I could destroy a world on a whim.

9:15am: Remember that I do control the better part of the galaxy, and that I can destroy a world on a whim.

9:25am: Get up, look in mirror. I come to the harsh realization that I look like a moldy prune.

9:30am: Ask slave girl if the fact that I look like a moldy prune makes me any less incredibly [censored] and desirable.

9:32am: Am displeased with slave girls answer. Kill her for insubordination.

9:34am: Summon in another slave girl, ask her the same question. She tells me that she’s never met anyone sexier, that she dreams about me every night. Excellent; I still have that suave sexiness that woman crave.

9:46am: Get foot massage from slave girl.

9:55am: Get dressed. Decide to wear black robes today. Realize that I’ve worn black robes every day for the last twenty years. Consider wearing something pink. Eventually discard idea; perhaps tomorrow.

10:00am: Eat breakfast. Decide that the meat isn’t enough. Order the chef.

10:31am: Picking bits of chef out of teeth. Consider brushing my teeth. Decide against it; don’t want to ruin winning smile.

10:58am: Proceed to throne room for audience with Lord Vader.

11:17am: Stub toe, release anger by frying random servant. That will teach him.

11:20am: Arrive in throne room. Get settled in throne. Make a mental note to get more cushions added to it.

11:30am: Lord Vader and Prince Xixor enter throne room. Goad the two on.

11:34am: Pick my nose when neither is watching.

11:40am: Break into their petty bickering to make vague ominous comments.

11:50am: Lord Vader mentions that the hunt for Skywalker is still going. Skywalker… Skywalker… I’ve heard this name before. I’m sure it’s important.

11:52am: Skywalker… Skywalker… Skywalker…

11:55am: Sudden realization: Vader’s original name was Skywalker! Why Vader is searching for himself? Quietly speculate on the state of Lord Vader’s mental health.

11:58am: Dismiss Xixor. Vader has been a valuable servant for quite some time, and I want to spare him any embarrassment over his condition.

12:00pm: Question Vader about Skywalker, trying to determine the extent of his delusions. Realize that Vader isn’t talking about himself, but rather a son. What?! Vader had a son? When was he going to bring this up?!

12:02pm: Tell Vader that I would like to meet the boy. Vader seems nervous somehow.

12:04pm: Vader explains that the boy has joined the Rebellion. What?! People are ill-contented with my gloriously benevolent rule?

12:10pm: Vader explains to me that the rebellion has been going on for quite some time, but that it’s been getting worse since the dissolution of the senate and the destruction of Alderaan.

12:20pm: Ignoring Vader drone on about troop movements, reminiscing fondly over the destruction of Alderaan. Resolve to destroy another planet in the near future.

12:42pm: Dismiss Vader, summon in Admirals. Ask them if what Vader said is true, if there really is a rebellion against my merciful and just reign.

12:49pm: Grand Admiral so-and-so tells me that the people of the galaxy consider me to be a vindictive and arbitrary tyrant. I fry said Grand Admiral with Force lightning. Prove that I really am merciful by sparing the lives of the other Grand Admirals.

12:59pm: Dismiss the Grand Admirals. Decide that I want a stiff drink. Order my minions to bring me freshly squeezed blue milk.

1:09pm: Tell minions that the milk isn’t blue enough. Consider frying random minion for his incompetence, decide that he’s not worth the hassle. Order his shot instead.

1:15pm: Enjoy my blue milk. Wonder why good help is so hard to find.

1:32pm: Sit on my throne and brood.

2:32pm: Still brooding.

3:04pm: Wonder what the point of all this brooding is. Consider redecorating. Maybe something in pink. Replace all this Imperial grey and red and black with some nice rose pink, country red, and off-white. That would like lovely.

3:12pm: Summon in image consultants to discuss my new color scheme idea.

3:22pm: The image consultants lisp annoyed me. Make note: find new image consultant.

3:30pm: Play with the throne rooms galactic map.

3:45pm: Qnbovsehtose?! What kind of name is Qnbovsehtose?! Who would name their planet Qnbovsehtose? I can’t even pronounce it!

3:54pm: Still trying to pronounce Qnbovsehtose.

4:06pm: Order the planet destroyed and everyone on it killed. That will teach them to name their planet something unpronounceable.

4:23pm: Wonder what the common folk are like. Consider disguising myself as one of them and mingling, trying to get a feel for their opinions, their loves and hates and dreams.

4:24pm: Discard idea as foolish. What do I care what the common people think?

4:32pm: Get slave girl to give me foot massage.

4:43pm: Am presented with a large pile of papers that need my signature. Begin reading each one through carefully.

4:50pm: Boo-ring. Begin to sign them without reading them.

5:21pm: Still a ton of papers to sign. Begin signing only every second or third paper. “Bill for the aid and protection of the homeless.” What do I need that for? I’m not homeless. I crumple it up and throw it at my minion’s head. “Imperial Shipbuilding directive for the increase in production of Super Star Destroyers.” Much better!

5:40pm: Wonder if I overuse the word “Minion.”

5:52pm: Look up alternate words that can be used in place of minion. Peon, Peasant, Slave, Toiler, Lickspittle, Underling and Toad. Decide that I should continue calling my minions as such.

6:03pm: Bored.

6:11pm: Use the Force to make a Stormtrooper believe that a live fish has somehow gotten trapped in his armor. I am no longer bored.

6:22pm: Make all the Stormtroopers believe that they have live fish trapped in their armor. Cackle manically.

6:43pm: Vader appears for another audience.

6:54pm: Quickly grow bored with Vader. It’s all Rebellion this, or Dark Side that. Command Vader to sing and dance the Hokie-Pokie.

6:56pm: Vader proves obstinate. Sternly remind him that I am his Emperor, and that my commands are law.

7:01pm: Vader does the Hokie-Pokie and turns himself about, and that’s what it’s all about.

7:06pm: Vader storms out of the throne room, force-chokes a random underling.

7:15pm: Sudden realization as to why all my minions are so incompetent: Vader keeps killing them! Make note to self to have a word with Vader about that.

7:53pm: Bored again. Wonder what good is it to be the Emperor if you can’t have fun.

8:12pm: Wander about the Imperial Palace, looking for something to do.

8:24pm: See baby wookiee with lollipop. Idea!

8:26pm: Forget that it’s a bad idea to get between a baby wookiee and its mother. Uh-oh!

8:27pm: Rescued by my Stormtroopers. Decide that the next time I try to steal candy from a baby I’ll make sure the mother is not around.

8:38pm: Return to the throne room to sulk.

9:00pm: Hungry. Decide that I want Alderaanian food.

9:07pm: Am informed that Alderaan no longer exists. When did this happen?!

9:10pm: Aide explains to me that Alderaan was destroyed by the Death Star nearly a year ago. Realize why Bail Organa hasn’t been returning any of my calls.

9:32pm: Return to my own rooms.

9:47pm: Consider brushing teeth. Decide against it.

10:01pm: Consider bathing. Realize that it’s been six months since my last bath. Sniff under armpits; decide that I smell great. Decide that I can probably manage to go a year without bathing.

10:20pm: Summon in slave girls. Get feet massaged.

10:54pm: Dismiss slave girls and other minions, get undressed and ready for bed.

11:02pm: Realize I don’t have my Teddy Bear! Panic!

11:05pm: Panicking!

11:08pm: Find Teddy. Am much relieved.

11:12pm: Enjoy beauty-sleep